My first entry........... seems suddenly momentous. I have agonized over this for several days, ever since reaching the decision that I might want to start a blog. Why agonize? It's not as easy as I expected. For some reason I feel that this might be something that will have great significance......... gravitas. I guess that raises the question of "Why?" again. I think what I crave to achieve is something that everyone alive has always desired, and may well be the underlying purpose of all human life. I want to connect. Either to strengthen existing relationships, or to develop new ones...... I want/need to connect with others. Is that desire not universal? I have known profound friendships in my life. As a boy it seemed easy. Spend enough time in play with another and they somehow unfold before you like a new spring blossom. As a child, the fear of being honest has not been learned, and the people you play with are their own genuine selves. Add a few years and enough disillusionment has come along that you have a persona to project. Somewhere you loose your genuine better self for the one you want to project. Especially while dating......... Advance to early manhood and eventually you make some new "soul mate" friends. It's amazing how many of these friends are a direct result of alcohol induced honest discussions that almost always last all night (or till sobriety). In my personal life, the next step was the military (a furthering of the same behavior as in college..... there are so many corollaries between fraternity and the military so as to make the transition basically seamless). For others, and perhaps those who did not have an officers commission nor serve in a peace time military, I imagine the experience of being brothers-in-arms would be a bond that would create deep soul stirring bonds. No wonder so many service men can relate to the truth put forth by Dickens: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.....". Terrible circumstances, but for many, the deepest soulful connections of a lifetime. It seems an inordinate premium for finding a kindred soul, but what price would you pay for those individuals who have touched and become a part of your soul?

I have several friends from my youth that I still occasionally see. Some of them just happened to also be family. My brother and I enjoyed that type of boyhood intimacy with two male cousins. We do not see one another as much as we might, but we walked away a long time ago holding large parts of each others hearts. We can go years without talking, and walk into a room and immediately pickup as if we were together at dinner the night before. Same with my college and military friends. My best friend from back then actually fits into both categories (college and military). He told someone recently that in spite of the fact that we have not laid eyes on one another in almost two decades, if I were to call and ask for help today he would leave immediately. The depth of affection is mutual. Some souls just become intertwined with yours so deeply they are a part of who you are............... forever. Seems like I should add an Amen.....

I have that deeper "soul" level relationship with family. Several years ago my Dad's extended family met for a weekend. My Pop was not in the best of health, and a commitment to start regular family reunions was initiated. We had them for years, and more than enough love was shared........ but in truth we were not near the united group we are today. Those early reunions had everyone going here and there, and little groups visited as space and time allowed. The gentler side of the family (the women) were so involved in either food preparation or clean up that they seldom really had time to visit. We gathered, but we did not necessarily connect. Somewhere in the last two and a half decades someone saw a need and suggested we might want to try something different. A family time where we all took turns relaying whatever was significant in our lives. This was not a relaying of facts, but an honest relaying of what had importance in our lives. That first year "sharing" was difficult for some. It is amazing how difficult it can be to relay your successes and disappointments to others.......... even those that you know love you. It's the emotional equivalent of dropping your pants in times square. In your heart you are saying "This is the real me, please be gentle........". Well, we all made it through. Every year since then those that can have met and repeated the process. The circle has lost a member or two, and it has grown. Little ones are grown and have families of their own. They bring the little ones to learn the truth and value found in belonging to something "larger". The voices of little ones are strengthened early when they get a chance to talk and all the "adults" listen intently. Now, not only is my father wearing the title that his father so wonderfully progressed as "Pop" (or "Big Pop" to his three great-grandchildren), but to two beautiful little girls, and one little boy I am now "Pop". I can imagine no greater honor or title to which I might aspire. Somewhere in our desire to connect we found the best in each other. It is a holy time I think we all cherish. I will share the simple observation........... I see myself as the best man I ever hope to be in the eyes of the family and friends who have sat in that circle.

Next truth is that my daughter has revealed so much of herself in her own blog that it has been a regular instrument that offers the same type of revelation and bonding I feel at our reunions. The thought that I might be able to share something like the reunion with family on a more regular basis is .............. well, just awesome. There is also the revelation that I might start, or deepen, relationships with others that have made their way into my heart. I have always said I like it best when the line between family and friend blurs to obscurity......... So, for those of you who have found your way here, prepare yourself........ I am about to perform that same emotional equivalent of "dropping trou". Just like years ago with just family, on some level I am offering "This is the real me.......... please be gentle." If you care to have that type of relationship, you have but to offer the best part of who you are in return. I well know it ain't easy, but I think it is how God intended us to be. I hope we can truly and honestly share the greeting "I see you." It means everything.............

And lastly, there is one other reason for this blog that I should address. Mortality. Let's just say the tenuous nature of life as we experience it is an awareness that I have pushed to the back of my mind for most of my 55 years. It is now pushing back. I am aware of how very blessed I am with memories of time shared with those I love. I've got tons of pictures, and as far as I know I have never missed a chance to "in action and deed" share with those I love my deepest affections. Still, I would love to have something more tangible to connect me to those who have left this world. I am at perfect peace with where they have gone, and, in the deepest level of my soul I KNOW I will be with them again.......... still, I wish there was something I could "own" that would make them more real to me. I wish there was a video of my Granny telling one of her chillins about the "Bingity, Bangity, School bus", or of my Pop laughing as his grandsons acted foolish. I wish my daughter could know and experience those times. I wish my grandchildren could know who their great great grandparents were. How do I share those memories? I guess the larger question is, "How do I make something for those I love to hold to to ensure they know who I was? I suspect Randy Pausch did it best. Have you seen the video or read the book "The Last Lecture"? I recommend it highly. Like Randy I want my surviving loved ones to have something to hold to.............. this then, is the first entry in that effort. Please, wish me luck.