Endings

     Oh, the death of a loved one.  Is there anything harder to deal with?  I am of the opinion that there very well might be.  See, as one who recently experienced (and am still actively involved in the aftermath) of the loss of a loved one, I am aware of a loss that is similar, that offers no real closure.  A situation that seems to be little more than just a continuous ongoing open wound. 

     See, I know my loved one is gone.  All who shared in the loss have gathered to honor his life.  We shared memories and hugs.  We shared mutual loss, and even grief.   There is a finality to it (even if the surreal nature of our loved one no longer being there for regular interaction is still uncomfortable). 

     What about someone who has a loved one in whom they have invested themselves heart and soul and subsequently, through the actions and decisions of their loved one, the relationship has essentially died.  What is a relationship other than a mutual decision to spend and invest time and caring in one another?  What if the one you have shared so much suddenly makes decisions that you can not in good conscience support?  Who we are is little more than the summation of our choices.  It is entirely possible for any of us to become someone else.  Whatever the "makeover" we desire, we are each individually the sole arbiter of "who we are."  So, what about the individuals who have discovered that someone they love has decided to be someone they can no longer support? 

     It happens to everyone on some level.  Whether an old friend, a son, a daughter, a sibling or spouse, we have all had someone we thought we "knew" suddenly exhibit traits that are foreign to the person we thought they were.  If the faults are deep enough in their character it can result in the end of the relationship.  When that happens we experience a "death".  That person is not physically dead, but they are lost to those who loved them as surely as if we had dug a six foot hole and laid a slab of granite at one end.  There is no ceremony, no gathering of friends to honor what was lost, and no closure.  Since there is still life, there is some underlying assumption that things can somehow be "fixed"?  Can such a thing be fixed?

     Now, I know that love never dies.  It doesn't.   The love for the young man that grew up into a monster does not diminish.  The love of the child is eternal...... as is the disgust with the adult.  What can you offer to the individual that you know is suffering such a situation?  The same platitudes as we might offer in the case of a death?  Nahhhhhh, that would be silly and display a lack of sympathy that might cause even me to shudder.  The strength of ones love in such circumstances is truly amazing to me.  Almost universally there is still a desire that the one who has become estranged find happiness........      just somewhere else. 

     Is there any loss greater than the slow diminishing of confidence and affection in someone you truly counted on.  My Grandmother used the phrase "I just gradually lost confidence in him."  when discussing her relationship with my Grandfather.  Is there a stronger condemnation?  To hear that from a loved one might be the closest thing to hell I can imagine. 

    God bless those who have "lost" loved ones, especially those without closure.