I guess the need to return to this forum has finally asserted itself. After two years of getting ready for the final goodbye, and then another four months of trying to get others lives in order I find myself essentially caught up. Ready to return to work. Maybe even feeling a little................ "normal" (I suspect there may be many acquaintances who are saying "You, normal? That is an oxymoron of the greatest magnitude...."). But it is true. I have done more work around the house than I have done in years. I spent a goodly time this afternoon cutting brush. I just finished my yearly required at home study for ground school. I am not facing a "to do" list that requires more minutes than there are in a day. I am not feeling stressed. I am feeling................ Damn, I am not sure what I feel.
I was thinking of Dad again. I do that often. Sometimes he feels close, sometimes he feels beyond my perception. I imagine it must be much worse for my Mom. But, in the midst of the aforementioned deep reflection, I wondered if I have done as good a job communicating with those I love as Dad always did with me. There is little Dad and I left uncovered when it came to our life long dialog. I remember discussing many of the deeper revelations that he shared in discovering and defining his deeper truths. You know, the understandings as to why there is life. Or, what is the nature of God. The bedrock beliefs that the rest of our existence depends upon. Yes, I knew my Father's heart and soul that well. Wonder if that makes his not being at the other end of the phone easier or more difficult to live with?
Anyway, the initial reason for starting a blog was to try and find a deeper connection with those I love. Initially the focus was on Dad (whose diagnosis made it all the more critical to intensify the existing connections) and with Heather (the one into whom I have invested most all my belief in a future). I am thankful to say the hearts I have touched have exceeded those initial ones I targeted. Some I hoped to touch I missed completely....... is that not life?
So, after a lifetime of discussing most everything, I knew Dad more intimately than I have ever known anyone. Ever. I guess that is why I know he was ready to go. I am not saying he would not have liked to hang around a while longer. What I mean is that there was no big items on his bucket list. Life was great. He just felt accomplished.
I know Dad had no questions as to what he believed came next. I know where his faith was based. I am betting that some of his closest friends, men and women that he worshiped with regularly, might have been uncomfortable with a more in depth understanding of the full extent of Dad's understandings. His understandings were his own. Dad never would accept "It is written..." as reason enough to base something as life defining as a personal truth. Nope, he questioned. It was not till later in life that he found answers that fit his understandings. It is a testament to his persistence that after 6 decades he was still actively looking for answers. It is a further testament that he did not feel driven to push his truth on others.
Why do you think I suspect his fellow church goers might not have known what was in Dads heart? Well, cause I think several of them would have had difficulty accepting something other than the stock doctrine that they received all their church going lives. I sat in enough of their Sunday school lessons to know that Dad asked questions and offered insights that others often found "difficult". Those that loved him most did not care. It was obvious that Dad was at peace. That was enough. Dad was not one for really doing more than living his truth. It was not important to him to tell others his "truth". He believed in simply living it.
I know that several of the people who loved him shared their understandings of what life meant to them. I am almost positive that Dad did not fully reveal the same. Matter of fact, I do not know if Dad shared the full extent of his deeper understandings with anyone but me......... I suspect not even with Mom. He believed that the people in your life should be able to see your truth in how you live. In that I think he succeeded magnificently.
So, it occurs to me that now there is no one who knows the extent of what I hold as my truth. I think that is as it should be. I know my daughter thinks she knows much of what her Dad believes. In that assumption she may be more or less accurate. I suspect that her truths are still viewed through the prism of her deep relationship with Christian doctrine.
It is wonderful experience to witness how her belief system grows. She is actively involved in defining her belief system. I love and Cherish the fact that she shares many of the revelations with me. I have shared much with her, but the full extent of who and what I perceive? Nope. Why not? Good question.....
Perhaps because I know there is much distance between us. I know there was as much distance between Dad and I once. Life just carried Dad and I to the same place................ eventually. Maybe Heather and I will some day discover we are in the same place. Maybe not. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is we are wanting to get to the same place. A place of being at peace with our own personal understandings.
So, if you know me, if we have shared life and perhaps even love, then know that if we never exchange another word that I was at peace (and was deeply thankful) with whatever life brought my way.
That understanding comes straight from Dad..........
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