Yesterdays Wedding Toast

      I said I would post the toast for my son and daughter-in-law.  I offered this toast in the hopes of confronting the nagging fear that the relationship was doomed.  I was heart sick over what that might mean to the little girl that had already taken ownership of a large part of my heart.  While the relationship did die (and in truth, my little grand baby is probably healthier in not having to have endured any further damage to her soul caused by exposure to the cancerous nature of her parents continuous bickering), upon rereading what I offered back then, I find the sentiments to reflect what I still would consider the priorities of having a relationship.....

     With that in mind, I offer the toast from "yesterday":

 

 

       I’ve given some small amount of thought as to just what I aught, or need to say in this toast.  It’s been a long time since I stood as anyone’s “best man”.  Back then, I would never have written anything down (perhaps a greater confidence in my memory or more accurately I have learned I forget the things I most wanted to share).  (One way or the other the glasses add something don’t you think).  It was back in 1978.   I’ve seen the very picture of me holding up the glass to toast.  A much younger man with the beginnings of a double chin, I was less than one week away from the Marine DI’s and their weight loss program.  Jenny Graig eat your heart out!!  I look in the mirror and wonder where that younger me went….. Given the chance, I think there are a few things I wish I could  have shared with him….. about life, and what it had in store for him……… and maybe that is exactly the same stuff I need to share with our newly weds…….

        

          I think I would start with, perspective….

          I wish someone had convinced me of the waste of emotional energy that is worrying.  In five years everything you are worried about today will be insignificant.  In ten you will not be able to recall that you ever had a problem…… in twenty this will have been the best time of your life.  Worry and stress are wasted emotions.  Have faith things will work out,  because….. they will.   Live in that faith.  Be kind to yourselves.  Little eyes are looking to you for reference and guidance as to how to handle the challenges of life.  Be a good example.  Just a simple reminder…….. it is way to easy to forget how much you are loved.

         Much along those same lines, I would wish that someone had shared with me the fallacy of “being alone”.   Andy yesterday made the statement “I could almost feel Norma…”.  Why not.  Look around.  Each and every person in this room has brought those they love with them, even if only in spirit…… what do you see, a little grouping of people……  However, fill your heart with love…….think of those who mean the most to you…… now,  how many do you feel?  I feel the eyes of any number of generations standing with us today.  I feel my grandfathers, and my parents can probably feel theirs.  I feel the presence of a cousin that is preparing to go into harms way in the Middle East, of other family members doing missionary work in Haiti.  Some are home tending their families…… some with new family soon to join us in this family circle.  I especially feel my brother and sister close…. and their families….. all wishing they were here, and giving all their best wishes to be centered on us here in this room.  I feel aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters, spouses, friends, and comrades in arms that live still in the hearts and memories of different ones of us gathered here today.  Andy and Tabby just joined 2 families.  My children, look around.   See all the souls wishing blessings on your future.  Mark well the faces…..You will take the best of these people with you everywhere you go……….. to the grave, and beyond. 

         It’s great to have strong convictions, maybe even imperative, but do not presume to judge others when their convictions are not the same as yours.  God may well have revealed certain truths to you….. and entirely different truths to someone else.  Be humbly grateful for yours, and most respectful of someone else’s. 

     It is great to be right, but better to be right hearted.  People tend toward not remembering whether you were factually right after any disagreement, but they will remember you forever if they thought you listened, and shared ideas rather than told them what to believe.  So learn to listen…….practice listening.   Listen with your whole heart, and share your truths without any great expectation.  Most peoples minds are already set……. At best, you can hope to plant a seed.  Remember, most people, and especially your children may remember many of your stories…. But the moments together that they will always treasure most are those minutes you spent listening to them and giving value and credence to their ideas.

    We hear “When you get married you become one”….. one team.  You remain two individuals, just now you share a common path.  You are not going to be of one mind on lots of things.  (in some cases it may feel like you agree on virtually nothing)  You are still a team.  It is you against the world.  This is not in any way the usual win loose situation.  It is an entirely new concept.  If one of ya’ll loose, you both loose.  That is why you can NEVER win an argument. You CAN SHARE ideas, but if it is an argument…….. you’ve already lost.  To argue means your team lost.  Disagree with love in your heart. Do not ever use hurt.  It is not playing fair, and  you only succeed in hurting the one you love …….  Minimize your reliance on “hurting”.  No matter the provocation, it is never the best way to respond.  Strange game huh?……….

         I think of all the preconceptions I had going into marriage  the one I’d suggest you  loose the quickest ….. “my spouse will change……. “  Forget it.  It aint happening. I look to the best and strongest of marriages in this room…. I see the families that I have admired most, and I assure you no one has ever “changed”.  They may accommodate, they may overlook, they may forgive…… but they never changed.   A very wise and all loving woman once told me you “like because of, you love in spite of……”.    Get used to loving.  Love is everything. One of my most treasured truths…….The universe stands in awe of love……and, all of creation bows down in reverence in the presence of love.

    Look for the best in one another,  Cherish it.  Use that insight as a weapon to minimize the “warts” you can always find in one another. 

     Never presume to judge your partner.  They will surprise you.  I know I had no idea as to the strength, and nobility of my Jeni’s soul………..  When the truth of your partners character is revealed, it probably should not come as a shock……

    Try to be “perfect” in your relationship.  I was deeply moved in a recent movie when a coach asked his undersized and discouraged players…… “can you be perfect?   For just this instance, can you be perfect.”  He goes on to say that what he is talking about has nothing to do with the final results, but everything to do with what is in your heart and how you approach the situation.  Can you act in such a way as to ensure you will never have to apologize for your actions, or your motivations.  Being perfect means filling your heart with love, and proceeding on that premise.  Being perfect means that when you stand in front of your maker at the end of your days you can say “I could not have done that any better.”  It takes total devotion and dedication.  100%.  You give that and you can not loose……….  In all that you do, strive to be perfect.

    Be careful how you keep score….. I mean how you judge your success.  If you judge success by business or monetary rewards you set yourself up for failure.  There will always be those with more….. which can lead you to being bitter.   Then there are untold millions with less.  If you compare your gifts with theirs and think you are worth it, then you will  find yourself vain.  Maybe, it would be better to judge your success by the hearts you touch. 

           Find time for just yourselves.  Katelynn is important, but her happiness requires you must be happy first.  That goes for you as individuals.  You are the two posts upon which your family will rest….. if one post is not at it’s best at the expense of the other, then the entire family falls.  If you forget to nurture that part of the relationship that is just you, then the total relationship will pay.

     Laugh.  Especially at yourself.  Never take yourself too seriously.  Find humor wherever you can.  God has a wonderful sense of humor……. Otherwise you explain the platypus. 

     Forgive.  Forgive yours spouse for their failings……. And have the insight to recognize your own.  Forgive yourself as well……. And you may find that to be the hardest thing of all.

    Love.  Love more than you think is safe. Care more than is prudent.  Commit yourselves to better.  Each day, to make life better.  When in doubt, love.  Love life.  Embrace it.  Drink it in.  Live each moment to it’s utmost.  There will come a time when you will have it pressed home that everything you cherish will eventually be lost.  Life is transitory.  Please, do not wait until it is in fact gone to cherish what you have been blessed with.   When you love life so much it hurts, you probably got it just about right.  Be a puss,……..  Let ‘em see you cry.   Wear your heart on your sleeve.  Cry whenever your heart aches.   It is amazing how many times that will be because of something wonderful……  In the words of the song…….  “Live like you were dieing”.

      Lastly, to quote Sir Winston Churchill………Who gave one his best (if unusual) speeches  (and I will quote the speech in it’s entirety)………..Imagine if you will, this short, “bulldog” of a man, whose personal courage carried his country through it’s darkest hour, entering a hall, setting down his coat and umbrella, and stepping to the podium and offering………. “Never give up.  Never give up……………………..       Never, give up.”……….. and then him turning to gather his things and leaves.                         Great advice.

 

         Here’s to a “perfect” life together…………….

 

 

 

 

Todays Toast

     I am again far from home, and this particular series of trips have been more taxing than most.  At every turn it seems we have had minimal rest (consisting of no more than 12 hours off) and then back at it again.  Most of this on the back side of whatever biological clock I might be trying to follow.  We have been away from home just less than a week, and have been to Europe twice, to Africa twice, and once to the good old USA.  Can you say exhausted?  I knew you could.  I am currently in Brugge Belgium, again.  I am enjoying the first day off in a week.  I do leave at midnight tomorrow night for a quick down and back evening/day to Africa, but I am currently enjoying an evening with little weighing on my mind. 
  
      In filling the spare time I decided to actually get out the old spare hard drive I bought years ago.  On it I have copied the contents of several old computers that have gone the way of the carrier pigeon.  Somehow before they were committed to computer oblivion I managed to copy their contents onto a portable drive.  I have not really checked the contents of said drive in years.  In doing so this evening I discovered several things that I have saved over the years.  Some are pictures, some little snippets of something I found worth saving, and some things I composed and saved thinking they might offer insight as to what was in my heart at that time.  I think they will provide fodder for any number of future postings.

     One of the first I will address is the toast I made at my son and daughter-in-laws wedding.  This was several years ago.  The relationship between them has died, and my concerns as to their being prepared for a life together were proven to be valid.  I will share that toast in the next blog.  Tonight, I will share what I offered at our recent wedding.  At least you will see that I have become a little less long winded.  For the latest nuptials I offered the following:

     "The last time I stood up to offer a toast I talked at some length as to what I thought was vital in a marriage.  It seemed important as it seemed that the individuals involved might need some guidance in what they needed to accomplish to find success in one an others company.  To Olon and Heather I have almost nothing to offer in advice.  They are two of the smartest and well adjusted people I know.  Matter of fact, they and my cousin who performed the ceremony are a large grouping of the smartest people I know.  So, the only advice I can offer is a silly little observation that is still something of significance, and can have disastrous results if ignored.  NEVER, and I can not emphasize this enough, never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.....

    That observation aside, as I look into the young faces of two people I adore, I am reminded of a conversation from the not to distant past.  The beautiful young bride of tonight was calling home to discuss with Dad her concerns over how her life was unfolding.  So many of her friends were getting married, and in her heart was a longing for someone to share the treasure of her love.  She wanted some assurance as to what life was going to produce.  I was at a loss as to how to respond.

     As Heathers primary dragon slayer, I am always ready to do battle with whatever causes her alarm.  In this case, I was at a loss.  I ached in wanting to offer effective solace.  What to say to one who wants assurances of results conforming to her designs?  I have no crystal ball, and would never offer promises that I was not absolutely sure to be fact.  Oh how at that moment I lamented the passing of the time when I could set my Princess heart to dancing with an ice cream and a hug.  Still, even one as simple as I can occasionally find a "gem", and wisdom can come from individuals not especially known for higher thought.  I have often marveled at the wisdom in my response to her in her moment of despair.  I offered "My love, I can not promise any specifics for you to grasp.  No solid words of comfort are available, just the observation and conviction that God loves you more than I do (and that is beyond my comprehension).  While I do not know what is in store for you, I believe whatever comes your way, it will be glorious and you will perceive perfection."  We had that conversation in the months immediately preceding her initial conversations with Olon.

     Standing here tonight, I see in the faces of the two of you............. perfection. 

      Friends and family........... to perfection.
      

The couple at the other table

  Again, out of order.  I started this back in October......  just never posted it.  Not sure why I waited.

     I arrived home Sunday after almost 19 days away from home.  A period of solitary banishment required by my job.  On occasions I find I experience "love withdrawal" symptoms.  My wife and I proceeded to run an errand or two, and then (without passing GO) headed direct to the place where my Granddaughter resides with her Mom and Step Dad.  As it was dinner time we went straight to a restaurant to have dinner.  It was there I saw them (at first it was just an awareness of "her" sitting at the corner table next to the buffet).  The vision of them haunts me still.

    She was an elderly frail black woman.  She sat on the bench of the table in almost a slump.  Her back was bent as if it carried some unseen incredible load.  She was "hunkered" over, with her hands in her lap, and her gaze never wavered from the table top.  She was in her Sunday finest, with a black hat with black feathers.  She looked ancient and frail.  Her hands were folded in her lap.  They were old hands, the skin looking mummified and stretched across bones without much muscle left.  Her skin was wrinkled, and reminded me of parchment paper.  The veins and tendons stuck out from the back of her hands and ran up her arm only to disappear under the sleeve of her dress.  Those hands had seen hard work.

   She never moved.  It was only with intense scrutiny that I saw her chest rise and fall, and she did occasionally blink, but her eyes never left that spot on the table.  She was not engaging her surroundings.  In that room full of people I could see she was alone.  It was only when I saw that there was two glasses of tea on the table that I gathered that she must have some company.  Where was her dining guest?  It seemed an eternity before an elderly man, in a sport coat and slacks laid a plate down in front of her.  He was equally old, and also a little "stooped", but he moved with some confidence, and unlike his female companion, his eyes did sweep the room and he seemed more aware of his surroundings.

     He stood next to her, and taking her silver ware he cut the meat and associated items on her plate.  He placed the plate before her, and without looking up she took her fork and started to pick small mouthfuls of food and raised them to her mouth.  It was a small mouth, and she chewed silently without her head moving nor her gaze shifting beyond her plate.

    He moved to the opposite side of the table, and started to eat his own meal.  I did not see her raise her head, nor did I see them engage in any conversation.  They sat there on opposite sides of the table, together and yet separated by an invisible wall.  I could not help myself, I glanced their way throughout our own meal.  My Granddaughter had much to recount, and shared the accumulated experiences of a fourth grader.  Who bullied who, who she felt the need to threaten, and why....  Her excitement over her as yet unborn baby brother.....  She had much to share and she dominated the conversation at our table. 

     At the table across the dining area, they sat silently sharing their small plates without seeming to notice one another.  The meager pickings they allowed themselves finally consumed, they shared the quiet time together, and still her gaze did not shift.  Eventually he reached across the table and laid his hands on hers.  She did not shift her gaze, but her hands eventually shifted to grasp his.  There was much passed between them in that contact, but the message was from one soul to another, and not something communicated to anyone else.  I wonder at the contents of that message.

    Not sure why, but the experience of sharing a moment observing them alone in a room full of people haunts me.  No other word for it.  I feel haunted.  It troubles me on levels that I am not able to understand.  Watching them somehow connected to something in my soul, but I am not sure what it is I am feeling................... only that it is intense.  There is something noble, and  terribly sad (beyond nostalgic) in what I think I observed.  It has been a long time since I held up strangers in prayer, but I pray God blesses those two.