I said I would post the toast for my son and daughter-in-law. I offered this toast in the hopes of confronting the nagging fear that the relationship was doomed. I was heart sick over what that might mean to the little girl that had already taken ownership of a large part of my heart. While the relationship did die (and in truth, my little grand baby is probably healthier in not having to have endured any further damage to her soul caused by exposure to the cancerous nature of her parents continuous bickering), upon rereading what I offered back then, I find the sentiments to reflect what I still would consider the priorities of having a relationship.....
With that in mind, I offer the toast from "yesterday":
I’ve given some
small amount of thought as to just what I aught, or need to say in this
toast. It’s been a long time since I
stood as anyone’s “best man”. Back then,
I would never have written anything down (perhaps a greater confidence in my
memory or more accurately I have learned I forget the things I most wanted to
share). (One way or the other the
glasses add something don’t you think).
It was back in 1978. I’ve seen
the very picture of me holding up the glass to toast. A much younger man with the beginnings of a
double chin, I was less than one week away from the Marine DI’s and their
weight loss program. Jenny Graig eat
your heart out!! I look in the mirror
and wonder where that younger me went….. Given the chance, I think there are a
few things I wish I could have shared
with him….. about life, and what it had in store for him……… and maybe that is
exactly the same stuff I need to share with our newly weds…….
I think I
would start with, perspective….
I wish
someone had convinced me of the waste of emotional energy that is
worrying. In five years everything you
are worried about today will be insignificant.
In ten you will not be able to recall that you ever had a problem…… in
twenty this will have been the best time of your life. Worry and stress are wasted emotions. Have faith things will work out, because….. they will. Live in that faith. Be kind to yourselves. Little eyes are looking to you for reference
and guidance as to how to handle the challenges of life. Be a good example. Just a simple reminder…….. it is way to easy
to forget how much you are loved.
Much along
those same lines, I would wish that someone had shared with me the fallacy of
“being alone”. Andy yesterday made the
statement “I could almost feel Norma…”.
Why not. Look around. Each and every person in this room has
brought those they love with them, even if only in spirit…… what do you see, a
little grouping of people…… However,
fill your heart with love…….think of those who mean the most to you…… now, how many do you feel? I feel the eyes of any number of generations
standing with us today. I feel my
grandfathers, and my parents can probably feel theirs. I feel the presence of a cousin that is
preparing to go into harms way in the Middle East, of other family members
doing missionary work in Haiti
It’s great to
have strong convictions, maybe even imperative, but do not presume to judge
others when their convictions are not the same as yours. God may well have revealed certain truths to
you….. and entirely different truths to someone else. Be humbly grateful for yours, and most
respectful of someone else’s.
It is great to be
right, but better to be right hearted.
People tend toward not remembering whether you were factually right
after any disagreement, but they will remember you forever if they thought you
listened, and shared ideas rather than told them what to believe. So learn to listen…….practice listening. Listen with your whole heart, and share your
truths without any great expectation.
Most peoples minds are already set……. At best, you can hope to plant a
seed. Remember, most people, and
especially your children may remember many of your stories…. But the moments
together that they will always treasure most are those minutes you spent
listening to them and giving value and credence to their ideas.
We hear “When you
get married you become one”….. one team.
You remain two individuals, just now you share a common path. You are not going to be of one mind on lots
of things. (in some cases it may feel
like you agree on virtually nothing) You
are still a team. It is you against the
world. This is not in any way the usual
win loose situation. It is an entirely
new concept. If one of ya’ll loose, you
both loose. That is why you can NEVER
win an argument. You CAN SHARE ideas, but if it is an argument…….. you’ve
already lost. To argue means your team
lost. Disagree with love in your heart.
Do not ever use hurt. It is not playing
fair, and you only succeed in hurting
the one you love ……. Minimize your reliance
on “hurting”. No matter the provocation,
it is never the best way to respond.
Strange game huh?……….
I think of
all the preconceptions I had going into marriage the one I’d suggest you loose the quickest ….. “my spouse will change…….
“ Forget it. It aint happening. I look to the best and
strongest of marriages in this room…. I see the families that I have admired
most, and I assure you no one has ever “changed”. They may accommodate, they may overlook, they
may forgive…… but they never changed. A
very wise and all loving woman once told me you “like because of, you love in
spite of……”. Get used to loving. Love is everything. One of my most treasured
truths…….The universe stands in awe of love……and, all of creation bows down in
reverence in the presence of love.
Look for the best
in one another, Cherish it. Use that insight as a weapon to minimize the
“warts” you can always find in one another.
Never presume to
judge your partner. They will surprise
you. I know I had no idea as to the
strength, and nobility of my Jeni’s soul………..
When the truth of your partners character is revealed, it probably
should not come as a shock……
Try to be
“perfect” in your relationship. I was
deeply moved in a recent movie when a coach asked his undersized and
discouraged players…… “can you be perfect?
For just this instance, can you be perfect.” He goes on to say that what he is talking
about has nothing to do with the final results, but everything to do with what
is in your heart and how you approach the situation. Can you act in such a way as to ensure you
will never have to apologize for your actions, or your motivations. Being perfect means filling your heart with
love, and proceeding on that premise.
Being perfect means that when you stand in front of your maker at the
end of your days you can say “I could not have done that any better.” It takes total devotion and dedication. 100%.
You give that and you can not loose……….
In all that you do, strive to be perfect.
Be careful how you
keep score….. I mean how you judge your success. If you judge success by business or monetary
rewards you set yourself up for failure.
There will always be those with more….. which can lead you to being
bitter. Then there are untold millions
with less. If you compare your gifts
with theirs and think you are worth it, then you will find yourself vain. Maybe, it would be better to judge your
success by the hearts you touch.
Find time
for just yourselves. Katelynn is
important, but her happiness requires you must be happy first. That goes for you as individuals. You are the two posts upon which your family
will rest….. if one post is not at it’s best at the expense of the other, then
the entire family falls. If you forget to
nurture that part of the relationship that is just you, then the total
relationship will pay.
Laugh. Especially at yourself. Never take yourself too seriously. Find humor wherever you can. God has a wonderful sense of humor…….
Otherwise you explain the platypus.
Forgive. Forgive yours spouse for their failings…….
And have the insight to recognize your own.
Forgive yourself as well……. And you may find that to be the hardest
thing of all.
Love. Love more than you think is safe. Care more
than is prudent. Commit yourselves to
better. Each day, to make life
better. When in doubt, love. Love life.
Embrace it. Drink it in. Live each moment to it’s utmost. There will come a time when you will have it
pressed home that everything you cherish will eventually be lost. Life is transitory. Please, do not wait until it is in fact gone
to cherish what you have been blessed with.
When you love life so much it hurts, you probably got it just about
right. Be a puss,…….. Let ‘em see you cry. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Cry whenever your heart aches. It is amazing how many times that will be
because of something wonderful…… In the
words of the song……. “Live like you were
dieing”.
Lastly,
to quote Sir Winston Churchill………Who gave one his best (if unusual) speeches (and I will quote the speech in it’s
entirety)………..Imagine if you will, this short, “bulldog” of a man, whose
personal courage carried his country through it’s darkest hour, entering a
hall, setting down his coat and umbrella, and stepping to the podium and
offering………. “Never give up. Never give
up…………………….. Never, give up.”………..
and then him turning to gather his things and leaves. Great advice.
Here’s to a
“perfect” life together…………….
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