Prisons

     I remember a conversation from long ago that I shared with my Mother.  It dealt with a desire to somehow escape whatever it was that was weighing on my life at the time.  I remember her saying that she remembered my Grandfather one time conveying the same basic sentiment..... the desire to somehow just walk away (or maybe run away) from the burdens of being responsible.  I was shocked to think of my Grandfather in that light.  He was always conveyed as being bigger than life, and carried the burden of being the sole provider for a rather large extended family (during the depression).   That HE could be subject to such a temptation seemed unthinkable. 

    I bring this up because of the emotions and thoughts birthed by my watching Tom Cruise's latest movie (I think it is called Jack Reacher).  In it Cruise plays the part of an ex military police officer who has consciously gotten off the grid.  He has a government pension, but no permanent address,  no transportation, no license, no home, cell phone.......  just the clothes on his back. He is free of any and all responsibilities.  In the movie he makes reference to his military service to make Americans "free"...... and then he points out individuals (who are obviously not happy) working late into the evening in a high rise office building.  He asks "Are they free?" 

    Damn.  That is a profound thought.  The people he references are all held prisoners by mortgages, family, and things that they can not live without.  This character has no family, lives in hotels, eats where he wants, and is tied to nothing.  He is free..........................

    After the movie I have to confess to being a little enamored of such a lifestyle.  I even imagined what such an existence might mean.  Go where you want, when you want.  No demands.  No responsibilities.  IE no self created prison.  I spent a goodly afternoon nap enjoying what I thought such a lifestyle might entail.  I gave no thought to giving up my "stuff" (we did that a few years ago).  Well, let me elaborate, I just gave that no great consideration.  Further reflection might have elicited a more reluctant point of view.  I like where I live.... I love the house on the lake...... and I am rather partial to most of the things in the house.

     So, what made the temporary mental dream vacation a nightmare?  The simple mental picture of one of my grandchildren's face as she gave me a kiss.  God, the thought of not having that in my life floored me.  It was an actual physical pain.  Visions of grandkids, holding them, marveling at them.... listening to them laugh......  to have made a choice for that not to be a part of my life would negate everything "me".  That which seemed just moments before "enticing", were now the worst Hell I can imagine.  What is life without people to love? 

     I will accept the things and people that I am bound to.  Yes, they are my prisons..... but I am serving time with a most thankful heart.