Dealing with the Suck


       I was familiar with the term "the Suck" before I last heard it being used in conveying an idea.  However, I am not exactly sure how I came to know it's meaning.  I also never gave it much thought.  Still, the last time I heard it uttered it had a most profound effect on my life.......  

           The term "the Suck" has been used for some time, even back to Vietnam.  It was used by soldiers (predominantly Marines) in reference to a situation that seems to have no redeemable characteristics.  Everyone in that place and time are equally subjected to the hopelessness of the shared experience.  "The Suck" is a noun referencing the universal negative nature of being involved in existence in a particularly unpleasant shared time and place.  Being in the Suck is finding yourself in no-win situations, where all options seem hopeless.  The Suck leaves you totally exhausted.  Nothing good seems to be possible when the Suck is slowly drawing any personal knowledge or memory of anything "good" slowly from your soul.

          Let me share that for most of my life I have had no personal knowledge of such a concept.  If you were to speak to a blessed existence you could well use my life as an example.  When younger, I knew no great hurts.  At that time even when losing a loved one it was always late in their life, and there was a general feeling that it was life as it was supposed to be.  My life was "just".  I experienced the bounties of a seemingly endless supply of love.  Truthfully, I was completely ignorant of any and all the things that constitute existence in the Suck.

         We are talking over fifty years of such a relatively pain free existence.  It was late in my life before I experienced the loss of a loved one that touched me in ways that I could not classify as life being "fair".  While the overall experiences of that loss were perhaps one of the most intimate and loving events of my life, I still lost my life long best friend.  I was left with a hole that seemed larger than the entirety of my heart.  My Father was gone.  I had never known such a loss.  Dad was young, vital, and had people that depended on him.  It was not how I thought God should be running the world.  It was my first experience whereby I felt "someone" in charge was falling down on the job.  His passing was just not fair.

        It was almost immediate that the process of losing my Mother started.  She was already well into her losing a greater part of herself when Dad passed.  She was lost without him, and the helplessness of not being able to in any way "fix" her life made me familiar with the feelings of being helpless to in any way make things "right".  Helplessness, my first steps toward familiarity with the Suck.  Mom's existence just strengthened my feelings of "injustice" at Dad's death.

        It was within a year of my Mother's slow deterioration reaching it's final phase that we were told that the job I shared with the best and most wonderful people in the world was done.  After over 75 years of service (and within a week of my receiving notice of my 27 years of service award), the best airline job ever was no more.  The examples of the worst of the US economic system had laid low a very proud and productive group of workers.  Seriously, no one ever worked with a better more conscientious group of people.  They were family.  Our family was destroyed by greed.  It was totally unfair.  What was done to the loyal employees was an evil that I had never experienced.  I did not really know just how frequent such evil is inflicted on good people here in our wonderful country.  Nor did I know just how protected the actions of people who profited from such practices might be under the laws of our wonderful democracy.  Yep, I took my first walk into the Suck.  I must admit to finding many of my dear friends also spending time  there.  While I would claim no permanent address there, I was a frequent visitor.  Worse, I had no tools for dealing with what I was experiencing.

          I did not spend all my time in the Suck.  No, it was more a matter of suddenly realizing I was angry, and yes, depressed.  When engulfed by the Suck, I just had no tools or experience to draw on to find my way out.  In a day or two, or maybe just the next morning, I would be able to see my blessings and would feel guilty for having allowed myself to engage in "self pity".  Guilt, depression, and a disjointed feeling that even when aware of my blessings that life was not "whole" kinda summed up my existence.  The effects of a visit to the Suck were a little longer lasting than I recognized.  Even after I felt better, I really had no desire to do much of anything.  Lethargy was a constant battle. You begin to wonder, is there ever going to be a time when I am like I was before all this?  

      So, after almost two years of this existence I was again spending an afternoon at the movies with Jeni.  This has been a common activity as of late.  There was a scene in the movie we watched where a young Marine is listening to a reporter offering  apologies for being responsible for the Marine being in a situation whereby an IED was detonated and removed the Marines lower legs.  The young Marine was having none of it.  He objected to her version of who was responsible.  Why, exactly was this her fault?  He proceeded to offer a whole litany of people throughout history who could be blamed, including the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and maybe even the Taliban bomb maker.  After he let it be known that there was no one to blame, he offered a suggestion for dealing with such feelings.  As he spoke, I swear it was like the Heavens opened up, and unspoken words hearkened me to something wonderful and holy about to come my way.  I knew something of extreme importance to my life was about to be presented.  Maybe Moses knew such a feeling just before God wrote the ten commandments onto stone.  Anyway, the young Marine patted the hand of the reporter and offered the truth shared by any number of Marines......"Sometimes you just have to embrace the Suck, then you have to walk the f*ck away."

      The message registered.  To the source of the message, "I got it."  I own it now.  No more time in the Suck.  Life is not fair.  Loss is a part of life.  Time in the Suck is probably going to be inflicted on most everyone.  Maybe, it is not until you embrace it and you give it it's due, that you can finally turn your back on it.  Being thankful for everything that comes your way in life is hard.  Maybe impossible.  Still, I am trying.

       The fact that I am again writing is an affirmative answer to that question "Will life ever feel normal?"